


Too Strong to Carry On

by aleia



Series: You Are My Home [3]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Dom/sub Reference, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Violence, Police, Police Brutality, White Privilege, White people being white people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleia/pseuds/aleia
Summary: AKA: Carlos quits his job because of obvious reasons and deals with how he should have quit his job a lot sooner.(I think this can probably be read as a stand alone without the rest of the series. There's only maybe one sentence that could be weird.)
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Judd Ryder & TK Strand
Series: You Are My Home [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762513
Comments: 23
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The pandemic is briefly mentioned in this just because it exists. While I’ve been pretty strict with my quarantine for various reasons, I do have multiple friends that are first responders, doctors, and nurses. I based how much our cast quarantined based on them. (This is why you see an absence of some characters—most notably Iris—who I would have included if I didn’t have to account for a backstory in my head of why they’d be elsewhere.)

TK hasn’t seen Carlos in two days. Considering that Carlos has been practically living with TK and his dad since they started dealing with the pandemic, it really says something about awful their schedules are. They haven’t had sex in even longer because the last time they had enough time alone, TK was so desperate to submit that he kneeled at Carlos’s feet as soon as Carlos sat down. He’s lucky Carlos had the control to remember what time his dad was getting home and move them to the bedroom.

And all that was before the protests started. TK hasn’t seen Carlos since they started and even though they text each other throughout their shifts, it’s mostly just an endless stream of short texts to reassure each other that they’re both safe. Maybe it’s better that they haven’t had time to think because TK’s not sure he’d be able to function if he had time to think. He’s already spent one night in his father’s bed because he couldn’t sleep with Carlos working at night. Now, TK’s coming back to the station at the end of his shift two hours after he knows Carlos started his shift. It’s mid-morning and he already knows he’s not going to be able to nap alone without being tempted to find drugs. He knows there’s a reason that Carlos always specifies that he’s safe, but not that he’s okay. There’s not anything either of them can do about it.

*

 **TK:** Almost back at the firehouse. Just going to shower and then go home with my dad to sleep. Are you ok? Are you at the station or assigned somewhere?  
**👮♂Carlos 🔥:** I’m at the firehouse.  
**TK:** What? Are you ok?  
**👮♂Carlos 🔥:** I didn’t want you to worry. I’m ok.  
**TK:** We’re almost there. Where are you in the station?  
**👮♂Carlos 🔥:** The picnic table outside in the back. I didn’t want to be in the way and I knew when your shift ended.

*

“Something wrong?” Judd asks.

“Carlos says he’s at the firehouse,” TK tells him. “He just started his shift this morning. He says he’s fine, but that doesn’t make sense.”

No one says anything even though they all heard him through the radio.

“You go find him when we get back. Give me your hat and your jacket and I’ll put them up for you,” Judd says finally. It says something about how close they’ve gotten that Judd offers even though things have been tense between them for days. Or maybe it just says something about Judd as person.

“If he’s at the firehouse, then he’s okay,” his dad adds from the front.

TK takes his jacket and his helmet off, hands them off to Judd and hops out of the truck before it’s parked. He’s sweaty and he needs a shower, but he’s not going to be able to relax until he knows that Carlos is okay.

Carlos is lying down on top of the picnic table with his legs hanging off the edge. He doesn’t sit up until TK steps between his legs and rubs his hands up Carlos’s thighs. His eyes are already rimmed red when he looks at TK for just a second before wrapping his arms around TK’s waist and pressing his face into TK’s chest.

Carlos has always been open about his feelings. He tells TK when he’s having a hard time and he lets TK hold him, but he doesn’t cry. He never shames TK for being more demonstrative about how he feels, but he says it’s a mix of his upbringing and the necessity of controlling his emotions as a cop that keeps him from displaying everything he feels on his face the way TK does. Judd says he cried at the hospital when TK was shot, but after TK asked Marjan, she told him that Carlos had mastered “the single manly tear.”

That makes it so much worse when Carlos shakes and sobs in his arms. TK tries to do all the right things—all the things Carlos has done for him multiple times. He holds Carlos tight; he strokes his hair. He presses kisses to the top of his head and reminds Carlos that he’s here and it’s okay. More than anything, TK repeats that he loves Carlos over and over and over.

He tries to use his training to take stock of Carlos’s body without letting him go. He doesn’t wince anywhere that TK touches him, and he doesn’t seem to be bleeding anywhere. Besides, he had to walk past someone on another crew to get here and wait for TK so it’s unlikely that they would have just let him sit outside alone if he was hurt. Eventually, he quiets enough that TK can pull him away a little to look at his face.

“Baby, what happened?”

Carlos pushes back against TK’s chest and breaths him in. TK can’t imagine that he actually smells good, but he knows he’d do the same if things were reversed.

“I couldn’t do it. I got to work, and I got my assignment, and my riot gear, and my equipment, and I couldn’t do it. I’ve always thought it was better if I was there. If I was one cop really trying to make sure that no one got hurt, but it’s not helping. Yesterday when it got crazy, I couldn’t do _anything_. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t protect anyone. I tried. I swear I tried. And no one would talk to me, and Sullivan yelled at me for not following orders. Simons threatened to report me. And they’re just eating cookies in the breakroom with teargas cans sitting on the table like there aren’t kids in the hospital. And all I’m doing by being a ‘good cop’ is giving people an example to hold up. I thought if I became a cop, I could make it better. I thought I could help people, but it’s too messed up. Everything is already too messed up. I can’t do it. For every thing I step in to fix, there’s something I had to ignore to keep my job.”

“Baby, you _have_ helped people,” TK says. It’s true. He’s helped TK. When Carlos processed him at the station months ago, TK didn’t know it wasn’t a coincidence. Now he knows that Carlos was trying to help the random gay guy he thought might have been bashed in a bar.

“I can’t anymore. No one wants to let me. I don’t have enough arrests. I don’t have enough random stupid tickets. I spent half of yesterday trying to work against my team without them noticing. I can’t release tear gas into a crowd of people during a pandemic.”

“I know. I know you can’t,” TK says as he rubs Carlos’s back. Carlos is tough and strong, but more than anything Carlos is _kind_. Of course, he can’t do any of those things.

“I resigned. I turned in my badge and my gun.”

At this point in the conversation, TK knew it was coming, but he feels it in his chest.

“I just couldn’t do it. I knew my orders and I couldn’t do it.”

“Of course, you couldn’t.” TK kisses his forehead.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“It’s okay. Right now, you’re going to go home with me and we’re going to get some rest, okay?”

Carlos nods into his chest.

“You should shower first,” Michelle says from behind them. “Or at least change if you don’t want to make a mess of his car.”

TK pulls back to look at his boyfriend. If Carlos doesn’t want him to leave, he’ll either put trash bags down or just say fuck it all and drag Carlos into the shower with him.

“I’m okay,” Carlos says. TK’s thoughts must show on his face because he adds, “I’m okay enough to sit with Michelle while you get ready to leave.”

“You don’t get a monopoly on hugging him, Strand,” Michelle adds without the humor her words would normally have.

“Okay. I’ll be quick.” TK does what he can to wipe off Carlos’s face and kisses him quickly before turning to go back in the building. When he looks back, Michelle is already sitting next to him with her arms around him.

“He quit?” Judd asks when TK comes in and passes him in the locker room.

“Yeah.”

The rest of the squad is there, but no one says anything right away.

“Good for him,” Majan says eventually. “If I got to work and they told me I had to shoot rubber bullets at a crowd of people, I’d quit my job, too.”

“It’s about time,” Paul says and leaves the locker room without waiting for a response.

***

“You’re not driving,” TK tells Carlos when they get to his car. “If you don’t trust me to drive your car even though I can drive a firetruck, then my dad can drive it or we’re leaving it here.”

Carlos just shrugs and hands over his keys. He’s quiet on the drive back to TK’s house. TK probably should have asked if he wanted to go to his own house, but they’ve been spending most of their time at TK’s just because with all the stress it’s just easier to plan for TK to also be close to his father. And if TK’s honest with himself, he’s a lot more confident in his ability to support Carlos if his dad is nearby to support them both.

Logically, Carlos slept last night, but TK is very familiar with how exhausting it is to have a breakdown, so he’s not surprised that Carlos doesn’t object to going back to bed. He also doesn’t resist when TK shifts them into a position where Carlos can be the little spoon for once. He kisses Carlos’s back and then presses his face between Carlos’s shoulder blades.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Carlos says.

“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out,” TK tells him.

“I don’t have a job. I quit my job during a pandemic. I quit the only job I’ve trained for since high school. I can’t even say I have a good record because I never worked the way anyone wanted and I reported things they didn’t want me to report, so I’ve only had one minor promotion.”

“You’ve been working a lot of overtime. I can get as much overtime as I want. We’ll be okay.”

“ _TK_.”

“Carlos. You quit your job because you were being told to hurt people. We’re going to help you. I’ve been living with my dad, and since he’s making me, I’ve felt zero guilt about letting him pay for way more of the groceries. I would help you even if you weren’t my boyfriend because you did the right thing,” TK says. “Also, I love you and you’ve taken care of me in so many ways. Let me take care of you for a little bit and don’t think about it yet, okay? You don’t even need help from me yet. I’m just telling you it’s there so you can stop worrying for a little bit. Get some rest now. We’ll worry about one thing at a time after that, okay? Just trust me that I’ll help you and it’ll be okay and get some rest.”

Carlos doesn’t answer him right away. He just pulls TK’s arms tighter around him.

“You’re really good at this,” Carlos says after a minute.

“I have a lot more experience doing something that blows up my whole life without having a plan. I know you’re freaking out even though I never had even close to as good of a reason. I love you, so I’d help you no matter what, but also, I know how much I’ve needed help so I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t help someone who had a much better reason.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m way, way ahead of you on breakdowns,” TK points out. “I’m not keeping score because I’m confident that will still make me look bad.”

Carlos’s laugh is weak, but it’s real.

“Can I help you relax?” TK asks.

“Sorry I’m keeping you up.”

“I have at least twenty-four hours off. It’s okay.”

Carlos flips over onto his stomach and turns his head to look at TK.

“Just rub my back for a few minutes.”

“Of course.”

Carlos sighs as TK runs his hand over Carlos’s bare back.

“I really love you,” Carlos says with a small smile and the tension starts to disappear from his face.

“I love you, too.”


	2. Chapter 2

When TK wakes up, Carlos is already awake next to him. It’s not surprising. TK needed a full night of sleep. Carlos just had what TK thinks of as an emotional hangover. It figures that Carlos wouldn’t just go back to sleep in endless depression naps until someone else forced him to get up the way that TK tends to do. But Carlos is on his phone and TK doesn’t need to know what he’s doing to know that it’s not good. TK runs his hand up Carlos’s arm so that Carlos doesn’t startle. Carlos watches him, but he lets TK take the phone out of his hand.

“I don’t know what you’re doing but scrolling on your phone is probably not helping,” TK says.

“I have to tell my family I quit. I just told them I’m safe because I don’t know how to tell them the truth.”

“Okay. I promise I’m going to have lots of great advice, but I need our one thing at a time to start with coffee.”

“Sorry.”

“Hey,” TK says he turns Carlos to look at him. “Don’t apologize. I just need to catch up and you need to slow down. Coffee and breakfast, okay?”

Carlos nods. He doesn’t look happier, but he lets TK take his hand and lead him to the kitchen.

TK’s dad has already made coffee and breakfast because he’s amazing. Maybe he can’t make up for the years they lost, but he’s the best dad right now when TK needs him. He knows to give them both coffee and he puts food in front of both of them without saying anything. Carlos mumbles his thanks, but it’s quieter than all the mornings they spent together since the pandemic got serious.

“Try to eat even if it’s hard,” his dad says after a minute. It takes TK a second to realize that his dad isn’t talking to him because it’s in the same tone that his dad has always used to prod TK to eat when he was so depressed that he just pushed his food around on his plate. It does make Carlos eat because he’s not a brat like TK. This is why TK’s glad that Carlos agreed to come home with him. TK trusts his dad to handle this more than he trusts himself.

“Okay,” TK says after he can finally think and he’s sure Carlos isn’t going to eat anything else. “First thing. Do you think you should call your parents?”

Carlos nods but he doesn’t make a move to get his phone. TK reaches across the table to take his hand.

“Why are you scared to tell them? You did the right thing.”

“They were right,” Carlos says without looking at him. “My parents. They said I wouldn’t make a difference. They said the system was too messed up for me to matter.”

“Maybe you didn’t make a big systematic difference, but you made some little differences. You’ve helped some people,” TK says. “And then, when you had to, you did the right thing and left, but you still helped those people. And maybe it wasn’t perfect, but _I’m_ proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Carlos says and squeezes his hand. It feels more like he’s comforting TK than the way it should be. TK can’t help looking at his dad for help.

“No one’s perfect,” his dad says. “We all make mistakes. You tried and then you stood up for what was right and they _should_ be proud of you.”

It’s the same thing, but maybe Carlos believes it a little more because his dad is at least a little less biased.

His dad leaves while Carlos calls then though the privacy isn’t really needed. TK stays to hold his hand, but the little bits of Spanish TK’s picked up aren’t enough for him to really follow the conversation. It’s more the way some of the tension drains from Carlos’s body and the small smile he gets when he says TK’s name.

“I think you’re winning my parents over from a distance,” Carlos says when he hangs up and leans his head on TK’s shoulder.

“Yeah? Wait. Have they disliked me this whole time?”

“No, babe, of course not,” Carlos says. “They’re just still a little weird about me being gay sometimes. They say it’s fine, but they like to kind of ignore it. They call you my friend even though everyone knows you’re not just my friend. They like _you_. They just do this thing where they don’t like to acknowledge I’m gay even though everyone knows.”

“I’m sorry.” It’s not the first time TK’s been in the room when Carlos has talked to his parents. It’s not even the first time he’s heard his name. He’s not sure how he missed that they weren’t okay with Carlos being gay.

Carlos shrugs.

“It’s just how they are. They don’t hate it. They just don’t like to talk about it. A few months ago, my abuela called me about some guy a friend of hers wanted to set me up with and she still said he ‘might be a good _friend_ ’ for me.”

“I realize this is not the point, but why did you not tell me she tried to set you up with someone else?”

“Because we’d just gotten together and I told her that, and then she spent an hour asking questions about you.”

TK feels less bad about concentrating on the wrong subject because at least it makes Carlos smile.

“Well, I hope you made up lots of great things about me so she’d like me.”

“I told her lots of very true things about you so she’d like you. Her only complaint is that you’re white and dating you wasn’t her idea. She’ll get over both of those things when she meets you.”

***

Carlos lets himself have a minute to enjoy the way TK smiles at the thought of Carlos talking to his family about them. Yes, he still wishes they wouldn’t talk about TK as if they’re just very special friends. But his mom did say she thought it was good that he went home with TK and his dad.

But now he has to deal with the next thing. And now that it’s there, it seems a lot harder than talking to his family.

“I don’t know what to say to Paul,” Carlos says. “He, um, texted me a few days ago and I messed it up, and now he’s not talking to me.”

TK doesn’t answer him right away and Carlos knows exactly why. It’s no surprise when TK says, “You didn’t tell me.”

He could make excuses. He could say that they just haven’t had time, but it’s not the truth.

“I was ashamed. I knew I was wrong. I didn’t want you to know because I know you’d try to make me feel better because you love me first and I didn’t want to make you do that.”

TK nods. “He’s been kind of weird to me. I think I knew it was about you, so I didn’t ask. We both messed up.”

Carlos sighs. When he was avoiding the situation, it seemed like the easier thing to do. He knew on some level that he was just making it worse, but he still didn’t fix it. Now he scrolls down to his text thread with Paul.

 **Paul:** I don’t think I can talk to you right now. I don’t know how you can be a part of this.  
**Carlos:** I’m trying to help as much as I can.  
**Paul:** Yeah? You’re trying to not be horrible but are you confronting every single one of your co-workers when they’re horrible?

The thing is that Carlos knew that his excuses were just that. Excuses. He couldn’t confront _everything_ and keep his job. And he should have realized right away that this meant he had to leave. But he didn’t. He rationalized picking his battles.

Now everything he could say doesn’t feel like enough because he knows that it’s not. But he has to say something. He holds the phone so TK can read the thread while he figures out what to say.

 **Carlos:** You were right. I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk to me. I’m going to be better just because I know I should be.

TK kisses his shoulder and brings out his own phone.

“He didn’t really say anything to me,” TK says. “I just knew.”

He types something on his phone and then holds it out for Carlos to read.

 **TK:** I know I dropped the ball on supporting you. I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer. Just let me know if there’s something I can do for you.

There isn’t really anything else to say about it, or that’s what Carlos thinks until TK says, “Judd tried to talk to me.”

“Judd?”

“Because he knew Paul was upset. And probably Grace. He asked talk to both of us about things and I said he should know we didn’t have time.”

Carlos nods. On some level, he wants to point out that it’s kind of true. They didn’t have time. Except that TK has spent lots of time with Judd and they could have carved out some time _somewhere_. And if Carlos had quit his job the first time he was sent out with riot gear and watched his co-workers do things that would be considered war crimes, then he would have had plenty of time.

“On the upside, it’s way less scary to text Judd about it?” TK says.

“There’s that.”

Carlos only feels a little guilty about letting TK text Judd. He’s the one Judd tried to talk to in the first place, so it does make more sense.

 **TK:** I’m sorry I blew you off. Also, if Grace wants me to beg for her forgiveness or anything, let me know.  
**🤠 Judd:** She says not to expect comfort food from her this time.  
**TK:** We weren’t.  
**🤠 Judd:** She also says that she loves you both. You have to know that’s why she and Paul were upset. They love you and they had to wait for you to really support them because you wanted to support your boyfriend. And then he just didn’t want to really deal with how he was right in the middle of it and letting a bunch of people get away with shit. You know he was. And I know he was in between a rock and a hard place but he could’ve stood up sooner. I know he was trying to help in little ways but you know that expired.  
**TK:** I know. We both know that.  
**🤠 Judd:** Okay. I need to be with Grace today. She comes first. But I’ll send you some info and I’ll text Paul and tell him I’m talking to you about it. He told me you guys texted him. Let Paul talk to you about it when he’s ready. He has other stuff to deal with right now.  
**TK:** I wasn’t sure if we should text him or not but it seemed worse to not say anything.  
**🤠 Judd:** I think you probably made the right choice, but give him space now and let him reply when he’s ready.

**Author's Note:**

> When I started writing for 911: Lone Star, I clearly already had issues reconciling Carlos as a person with Carlos being a cop. I tried to write things in a way that would allow Carlos to be ethical and a cop.
> 
> I don’t think that’s a thing I can do with our current climate and the current issues that have occurred in Austin with Austin PD. For the pandemic, it seemed to be more peaceful for me and everyone else to kind of ignore the situation in fanfic and let people have a rest. While I do still want to allow that in other stories and I’m also going to try to find time to write a separate Tarlos story AU where I can go back and let Carlos have a different job, it seems irresponsible to just keep writing Carlos as a cop in this verse as if it’s not an issue.
> 
> It was hard for me to decide the best way to do this because I’m not black and I didn’t want to glorify Carlos by having him quit in an overly heroic way. This is not the first time I’ve made it clear in my stories that all my characters are supportive of Black Lives Matter. When an issue like this becomes something that has to be addressed in one of my stories, I can only try to address it the best way that I can in a responsible way. I’m posting this chapter and any chapters directly dealing with the issue to Ao3 before I post the link on my other site because I want to make sure that I in no way profit from this issue. 
> 
> I struggled a lot with how to write this because last time I wrote about this issue, I was much further into the verse and had multiple black characters that I could bring to the forefront. In this case, because this series has always been very much about TK and Carlos first, it didn’t seem right to force Paul and Grace to just deal with their issues. Carlos is a minority and I’ve mentioned that as a Mexican queer person, that’s one of the reasons I like writing him. But right now, this issue isn’t primarily about us. Also, I’ve spent a lot of time personally in the last few days talking with white people about how to work on being an active ally, so it seemed more appropriate to bring Judd who has probably done a great deal of work on himself and on being an ally and make him do the work.
> 
> Please feel free to comment here or send me an ask on tumblr if you feel like there’s anything I really messed up with being respectful to black people and the movement. (If you’re going to comment anything racist, please just fuck off. I’m not open to that kind of criticism and I’ll delete your comment so that other people don’t have to see it.)
> 
> (As always, feel free to tell me about any typos you find. I wanted to get this out in a timely manner and even though I reread it a million times to edit it over the last two days, I probably missed some things still.)
> 
> I’m on tumblr as @lostinanimage if you want to find me, more of my fic or send me asks or DMs. <3


End file.
